What’s in the toy box

toybox

 

I don’t think you can be kinky and not own at least a few toys. For those of you who might not understand, when I say “toys” I’m not referring to teddy bears, puzzles, sports equipment, or any Xbox or other computer-type games. All D/s dynamics include equipment, or toys. Some couples enjoy enhancing their intimacy with vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, scented lubricants, anal beads, ben-wa balls, etc. As I’ve said before, the list can be limitless. As long as the two of you have imagination, nearly anything can be considered a toy. You need not even buy them; they are all around you.

So… what do you and your significant other enjoy? Are you all about the pleasure? Do you like to spice things up? Have you both discovered the pleasure of pain? For many couples, bondage is a real turn-on. Some Dominants enjoy nothing more than learning the most intricate styles of Shibari rope bondage to tie up their submissive in stunning knot artwork. They need nothing more – the gratification comes by seeing her bound in their creation, helpless. The rope and the submissive are their toys.

As for us, Master is a sadist, and we have a selection of belts, floggers, paddles, crops, gags, a spreader bar, cuffs, collars, and too many butt plugs to list. We have a Hitachi wand. Sometimes we (He) order something only to find it doesn’t live up to expectations! There are things we have not yet tried. We have not yet experimented with wax, needles, rope, canes or whips.

Now tell me… what’s in YOUR toy box?

Who drives?

The Dominant/submissive relationship is hard to explain to those who are not ‘in the lifestyle.’

Does he boss you around all the time? Do you get to speak your mind? Who decides what your day-to-day life is like?  These are some of the questions which come to mind when others wonder what goes on in a 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) D/s marriage or relationship. Naturally, no two couples are precisely alike.

Generally, the Dominant makes all the rules and major decisions. My Master and I have a rather flexible agreement. He values and respects my opinion, however He has the last word and I know and understand this. I don’t have a set schedule of tasks nor has He created rules I must abide by. He expects me to be polite and loving always, seeking His opinion on all major decisions. He CAN be rather imperious and bossy!

I have always thought of a D/s partnership like two people trying to drive a car.

The submissive has the keys to the car, but the Dominant drives!

Of course, a sub can step on the brakes by using her safeword.

r8girl

Is submission a gift?

Recently on another website, a submissive posted about her submission being a gift to her Dominant. This is not a new idea; in fact if you google ‘submission as a gift’, hundreds if not thousands of responses are likely to come up. A Twitter friend of mine who is an old-school Dominant and sadist also addressed this topic some time ago. I am not always in agreement with him, but in this case I am. Submission is NOT a gift.

If you look up the definition of the word gift, you will find that it means something presented voluntarily without payment in return; something acquired without any effort or having been earned by the recipient.

Now let us examine what the D/s relationship is. In a healthy Domination/submission relationship, the very essence and nature  are spelled out from the beginning. While it is true that no two D/s relationships are exactly alike, each should be based on negotiation and agreement. It is not actually necessary to have a written contract, however, what does the Dominant expect from the submissive? What does the submissive agree to in terms of service? There are many types of service. What are the limits the two agree to abide by?

Is there a training period? Will there be discipline? Punishment? Is the relationship 24/7? Will it be a Total Power Exchange?

You can see the questions are nearly limitless. When entering into a D/s relationship, many couples (especially the submissive) are so ecstatic it’s almost as if they are high on a powerful drug. They want to experience everything they can, as soon as possible, often with little regard for their own safety. They are eager to present their submission as a beautifully wrapped present to any Dom who will accept it, or to their loving husband or boyfriend, even if he isn’t quite ready or willing to accept it!

This is why both partners must be ready and willing participants in such a relationship, hence the terms ‘safe, sane, and consensual’ and RACK, or risk aware consensual kink are used in this lifestyle. I will discuss these terms in another post.

Make no mistake. While submission is many things, and it is in fact very beautiful, it is not a gift. A Dominant takes control of his submissive, and she willingly and happily gives it. And therein lies the gift of submission. But submission a gift in and of itself?  Sorry… no.

How it all began

This is my first blog post, and I thought maybe it made sense to tell how I got started in this lifestyle. I have thought of myself as a submissive female since I was a very little girl around the age of 6 or 7. An older male cousin was visiting for a few weeks during the summer, and he was playing with my girlfriend and me. I can’t recall what we said or did but suddenly he said we both had been bad girls and he took each of us in turn across his knee and soundly spanked us.

That was the first time I’d ever been spanked, because my parents did not believe in corporal punishment. I LOVED it! (For the record, so did my friend, lol!) We begged him to keep doing it, over and over, until his hand got tired. From that day, I craved to be spanked.

Later, when all my friends were living very liberated adult lives on their own, getting their own places and wanting to move up the career ladder, I felt out of place and awkward. You see, I just wanted someone to take care of me and make the important decisions FOR me! Oh sure, I had a job, a very good one, in fact… but I wasn’t very successful at dating because I had no taste for just jumping into bed with any guy I met. I wanted the prince on the white stallion to come riding up to rescue me – Julia Roberts’ dream in Pretty Woman.

I never even thought I’d ever find someone – so it was a shock when I finally did. Luckily, he was pretty much old school too, and a take-charge kind of guy. But I digress.

After marriage, I was in a bookstore one day and stumbled into the erotica aisle. I read a few novels which turned into me seeking… more. I bought books about D/s online and suddenly my worldview shifted. My eyes were open as never before. Why, this was me!

I was too scared to say a word to anyone, even my beloved. What would he think if he found out his sweetheart was a kinky pervert? (I have to insert a chuckle here at my naivete). In fact, for quite some time, I tamped down my natural desires, even throwing some of the books away, thinking there must surely be something wrong with me!

I must admit it took a crisis in our marriage for me to confess to my husband what I really enjoyed, and what I really desired in our relationship. He was very willing to try to be a Dominant – he has always been quite dominant! And we both agree that this has opened our marraige and our relationship in ways we had not imagined were possible previously. Before, we rarely talked openly and honestly. I am much better at writing than talking. Now, even though there may be tears involved, I am not afraid to talk with him.

He is everything to me. He is kind, gentle, loving, honest, trustworthy, hardworking, caring, and generous. He will listen and has the best advice. I can tell him anything if I choose. He can also be harsh, brutal, and sadistic. This is part of OUR specific D/s style and we enjoy it.