By now if you’ve ready my blog or comments you know that although I yearn to be a perfect submissive to Sir, it doesn’t come naturally nor easily. I believe I was once that girl, but time and circumstances have altered who I am today. I married late and never even dated much growing up. After marriage and having our child, when Sir began working such long hours and such a crazy schedule, when I was left alone for so much of of the time and basically raised our daughter by myself, is when I think I was forced to make decisions and do many things I was uncomfortable doing and which felt very unnatural.
I hated this, but I had no choice. I had to put on my big girl pants and do what was required and necessary to run the house and bring up our girl so Sir could bring home the bacon, so to speak. But it was very damaging, both to our daughter and me, because most days Sir left the house at 6:30 or 7 am and returned anywhere from 10:30-12 midnight. He ate dinner, showered, and went to sleep. He missed so much of her formative years and doing and seeing the fun things a dad should. To top it off, he would get very annoyed with decisions I made, minor purchases I had made, or things I’d done without consulting him – when there was no way I would call and bother him when he was always so busy at work. If I did call, I always felt he could barely take time to speak with me unless it was an emergency. So those were rough times for me. It led to us nearly splitting up.
Fast forward to today, when we are better than ever, having been through counseling and pledged to be a D/s couple which feels very right to both of us. Still, after having gone through the trauma of the earlier years of our relationship, I can no longer seem to easily get in the proper submissive head space. More often than not, I react snippy, bratty, or even angrily. It is, of course, my “old” responses. I don’t want to react this way. I want to be Sir’s good girl, which he says I am.
But it’s not enough to be that girl in my head. My whole entirety must know it and react accordingly. I long to sing with submission as so many of my blogging friends seem to do. Some days (in fact, to be quite honest, many days) I am quite depressed because I think in my heart I am just never going to achieve the wonder of being a true on-my-knees submissive, gazing at Him with adoring eyes and worshiping Him. And if I can’t, if I’m simply incapable of giving this hardworking, loving, generous man what He so deserves, then what?