At about the time I was working on the book and chatting with my mentor, I met this other man online and he wanted to be my Dominant. I was fascinated and intrigued. My husband and I were barely talking, our relationship was very rocky, and it was so awesome to have this man who cared about me; wanted to know what I was wearing every single day, wanted me to text him when I got up and before bed, told me all about himself, and wanted to know all about me! He wanted to listen to me. He told me I was submissive. He gave me tasks and rules. He told me he could tell I craved to be his; to see him, talk with him, feel his touch, and be his in every way.
Do you know how tempting and desirable that is to someone who is feeling emotionally weak, needy, and insecure? My mentor warned me. He told me over and over again to not get involved with this predator. When he found out that I actually did go to visit this idiot, he was furious with me. I was furious with myself. The worst is coming.
As I said, my husband and I had been going through a rough patch. One night he came home and saw a receipt on the counter. It was for our daughter’s high school yearbook. He said, “What’s this?” I replied, “It’s for the yearbook. She wanted it, so I paid for it. You save a few dollars if you order ahead.” He yelled, “She doesn’t need that! Why do you get her every single thing she asks for! Stop constantly buying shit for her!”
Well, I must admit, I lost it. That was the straw which broke the camel’s back. In all our years together I never really raised my voice to him – well, maybe once or twice in a petty argument – but I screamed at him now. I was so, so angry! I told him how ridiculous it was to deprive our child, of all kids, of an end-of-year treat such as a yearbook to remember her high school times. I ranted that every kid, even “poor white trash” children’s parents manage to scrape the money together to buy a yearbook. I said I was completely over him questioning me on purchases when he is never there and we have so much money it is insane. I realize his aim is to be able to retire at an early age, but the constant harping on me to do better and save and scrimp is demeaning and draining. I told him I was tired of being alone, and tired of raising her by myself and having no support and never being told I am loved and never getting thanked for anything. I let everything out. I went on and on and at the end I told him I was not even sure I wanted to be married to him any longer. I told him I wanted to move out. Well – he was shocked. Just shocked!
It still amazes me two people can live in the same house and be so oblivious to one another’s feelings and needs. Suffice it to say, I did move out. I went to live with my mother about 15 minutes away, and we shared having our daughter. The weeks he worked, I had her and the weeks he was off, he had her (and the dogs.) And, we probably would have ended up getting a divorce, except, one day our girl was doing something on the computer at home and she found my alt account and my twitter account. They did not tell me. He hired a private investigator to stalk me. He knew exactly what I was doing and who I was contacting. This was right before I went to see the idiotic fake poseur who wanted to be my dominant. Even now it sort of makes me mad because my husband had the chance to stop me from going but didn’t.
Let’s step back to this jackass who thought he was a Dominant. He told me to come visit him and spend the weekend. He was going to take me to a D/s club/dungeon he knew and show me to his friends. We would play several times with his toys and see how it went. He would not push me. It was a trial. He told me how nice his house was and all the paraphernalia he had and all the exciting things he would do to me when he got his hands on me. Things he had done to his submissives in the past. Before that happened he wanted me to stop wearing panties and call him Sir during all our conversations. I balked because I told him I was not yet sure I was a submissive. However, I agreed to come see him. He lived over 90 miles away and it started pouring down rain on the trip there. I got lost and it was getting dark and I finally found his place. I almost did not go in. It was an old shack. It was a modular, or trailer-style home which is common in the country in east Texas for those who can’t afford better. However, it was getting late, it was dark and wet out and I was tired and over-excited from stress and the build-up. I went in. Mind you, he had sent me some pictures of himself beforehand. Why, this was not him at all! Forgive the language, but this was some grotesquely obese acne-scarred fat fuck! I started to cry. (No one has heard the details of this until now…) He told me to come to him and I was so at a loss that I did. He gathered me somehow onto his lap and put his big flabby arms around me and immediately began to kiss me. He kissed me long and hard, thrusting his tongue deep into my mouth and then reached under my blouse and bra and started to caress my breasts. I thought, “Maybe there is hope. Appearance is not everything” He kept at this for quite some time but I could not maintain my position on his lap and and started sliding. He stopped and asked if I had eaten and if I was hungry. I admitted I was hungry and we went to a local restaurant to eat. We did not talk much during our late dinner. I was so shocked by his appearance. When we returned to his place he told me to get ready for bed and join him in bed. I did. His home was so filthy I was appalled. In bed he did not do anything to me but wanted me to pinch his nipples hard and he attempted to fuck me with his teeny tiny dick. It honestly was the smallest one I have ever seen. I could not feel him penetrate me. He only had one bed and I could not sleep the entire time I was with him. He never showed me a toy or anything related to D/s. He played games on his computer and expected me to cook meals for him. When I left, he asked why/where I was going, and I reminded him I had a daughter and mother back where I lived. I never had any further contact with this idiot. I can’t believe I was so dumb, stupid, misled, short-sighted, or whatever word you would like to use. I always thought I was fairly intelligent but I must admit I was wrong!
The worst thing which happened is my husband and daughter confronted me about this in front of my elderly mother. I WANTED TO DIE. It was the worst moment of my life. Not when I met the fake dominant – not that my husband and daughter knew; it was that they chose to confront me in front of my mother; my daughter’s grandmother. There was no need to do that. It was utterly humiliating and I still seethe when I think of it. But my mother loves and forgives all. She is a living saint.
When I spoke later with my friend; my mentor, about what happened, he of course said, “I told you not to go.” But he too, was hurt and angry for me that my husband would do such a terrible thing. He still to this day doesn’t understand how/why I am back with him. But you see, nobody understands the real reason I am back with him is because I am a masochist and this is my living punishment.
There will be a bit more about what happened afterward…