Is it the time of year, the stress of the horridness of the election here and the Brexit in England, moving our daughter out of our home to her own apartment in a city two hours away and all the stress of her attempting yet again to succeed in a new school? I don’t know, however I find myself yet again uneasy and doubting my submissiveness, Master’s Domination, and even the basis of our relationship. I know in my heart he loves and cherishes me, but the doubts are as they always have been, within me. I can write this freely here because my Master does not read my blog.
Recently I accidentally left up my gmail email account which I have had for several years. When we briefly separated, that is the one I used to communicate with my mentor Dominant before Master and I agreed to our D/s relationship when we got back together. I also used the gmail account to set up a fetlife account (inactive now for quite some time) and I used that mainly for research for my romantic D/s novel. My mentor and I communicate only rarely now, about once every three or four months and it’s usually him asking if I’m okay, checking in on me, and I answer back asking how he likes the current weather or some such. There might be banter about tying me up if I ever come to see him. Mind you, I met the man only one time, and Master knows this (no sex involved.) The last time we communicated thusly was in August.
Master was angry and hurt. I told Him I have nothing to hide and believe our marriage/relationship should be transparent. I told Him what the emails were about and how often we engage in such. Honestly, I don’t “need” this other man in my life at all – it’s more that Master was so upset and hurt as if I had committed the worst sin when I felt (and feel) I did nothing wrong.
It’s not just that. I still can’t seem to get out of my stubborn head the old hurt feelings of neglect from the many many years when Master worked such long hours and I was alone raising our daughter. It was just so hurtful to both her and me. They have a terrible father-daughter relationship which I feel will never be mended, maybe if at all, when she has her own children and He becomes a grandpa. So now that He works only every other week, I am supposed to welcome Him into my life happily, willingly, with adoration and submissiveness – when inside… I still just have so much, well, intense confusion and even hatred for Him missing so much and making me be this responsible single parent while He was away earning all this $. I kept hounding Him and telling Him to stop, come home earlier to enjoy our daughter and be a family, but the money called louder.
So I am extremely confused at the moment. I am not at all sure I even want to continue on as D/s because Master is not acting like a Dom. He is only interested in the sex, while I am in it for more than that. I need to have fulfillment out of serving, which I am not getting. Right now I’m just sad and miserable about us, I guess.