Working

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The picture is of my best friend and me, a million years ago when we were teenagers. At that time you could have an “old-fashioned” sepia-tone photo taken at a kiosk in some of the shopping malls, and this gentleman did a wonderful job, even duplicating the decorative cardboard holder for the photo. He supplied costumes you could choose to make the picture appear authentic. I posted it today because it makes me happy whenever I look at it.

Sir is trying very hard in His Dominant role. He spent much of last week reading about Dominance and submission. We spoke at length about my feeling dissatisfied with lack of direction.  I can’t even express what it means for Him to truly take my words to heart and for Him to use His precious time to work on us and our relationship!

And this comes also during the time we are preparing for our move “home” in a few weeks to California. My mind is  distracted with shopping for new carpet for the house (which has the original, having been through a multitude of tenants and launderings.) As well as getting price estimates for the move itself; going through closets of stuff to see what can be donated or discarded; taking photos of all our artwork for insurance purposes; etc etc etc.

During all this, my thoughts drift to my friend, who up until two years ago was single all her life. She is a warm, funny, sweet and kind person, who just never found a partner. Like me, she is in her late fifties.  One day someone in her church saw her singing in the choir and knew he had to meet her. He had lost his wife to breast cancer, and was tired of being alone.  They met, dated, and ended up falling in love. They will be married in December!

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I’m submissive but not less than him

It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything of substance about how Sir and I were doing. If you follow me you know ours has been a rocky relationship, marriage, and 24/7 D/s. It should have been a clue to me that things would be this way since it took Sir 4 years to propose marriage to me. I was about to break up with him, to be honest. He has always put his desires, his work, etc before what I wanted in our relationship. When I think about it, this is not how it should be. It should be both people having a say, even if one is submissive to the other.

If you follow my blog and have read prior posts, then you already know out of extreme frustration and boredom… I cheated in my marriage. Not once, as Sir knows about, but many times. He was always working incredibly long hours (every day 12-14 hrs plus every other night and every other weekend on call) and moved us away from all our family and friends. (I had begged him not to do this even before we married) and completely neglected me and our daughter. Not only that, he questioned my judgment in spending money (as he saw it) recklessly. As in buying our daughter a high school yearbook. So, I blew up and left him for awhile. I moved in with my mother and we shared custody of our daughter who was in high school. He found out about one instance of my cheating, which he blamed himself for. It wasn’t long – maybe 6-7 months, and we finally went to couples counseling together, I moved back home and we avoided a divorce. I told him I wanted him to be my Dominant (he was thrilled) and be more present in my (our) lives. Things improved for awhile.

But he is not a good dominant. He just… is not. He and I have been happy with the increased frequency of sex, and all the toys we’ve bought and been using. But to him, D/s is really all about sex. And that just is not true. To him, being D/s, means even more than before, everything revolves around him and his needs, wants and desires. I do not feel cared for. I do not feel nurtured. He never talks during sex or tells me anything – either sexy, humiliating, or otherwise. Except to tell me what he wants me to do. I’m never thanked for my service and rarely if ever told I’m a good girl. I never get a pat or caress on the head or back. I get a peck on the lips when he comes in at night and the only other kissing is during sex.

I have bought and given him books about D/s and Domination. I have directed him to websites I thought might be of interest which might be helpful or interesting. He certainly has time to watch CNN when he comes home. But he tells me he “doesn’t have time” to check out all those websites. I don’t mind being told what to do – being given directions, rules, and guidelines – in fact, I thrive on it. I’ve told him so. Why is it he still keeps asking me where we should go, when we do eat out, every. single. time. ?????

We have a beautiful daughter. We live in a gorgeous house full of amazing artwork and lovely furnishings. I’ve thanked him for all this and told him how blessed I feel and how fortunate I am. But most of the time inside, I am miserable. I don’t think this is how love is supposed to feel.