I’m submissive but not less than him

It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything of substance about how Sir and I were doing. If you follow me you know ours has been a rocky relationship, marriage, and 24/7 D/s. It should have been a clue to me that things would be this way since it took Sir 4 years to propose marriage to me. I was about to break up with him, to be honest. He has always put his desires, his work, etc before what I wanted in our relationship. When I think about it, this is not how it should be. It should be both people having a say, even if one is submissive to the other.

If you follow my blog and have read prior posts, then you already know out of extreme frustration and boredom… I cheated in my marriage. Not once, as Sir knows about, but many times. He was always working incredibly long hours (every day 12-14 hrs plus every other night and every other weekend on call) and moved us away from all our family and friends. (I had begged him not to do this even before we married) and completely neglected me and our daughter. Not only that, he questioned my judgment in spending money (as he saw it) recklessly. As in buying our daughter a high school yearbook. So, I blew up and left him for awhile. I moved in with my mother and we shared custody of our daughter who was in high school. He found out about one instance of my cheating, which he blamed himself for. It wasn’t long – maybe 6-7 months, and we finally went to couples counseling together, I moved back home and we avoided a divorce. I told him I wanted him to be my Dominant (he was thrilled) and be more present in my (our) lives. Things improved for awhile.

But he is not a good dominant. He just… is not. He and I have been happy with the increased frequency of sex, and all the toys we’ve bought and been using. But to him, D/s is really all about sex. And that just is not true. To him, being D/s, means even more than before, everything revolves around him and his needs, wants and desires. I do not feel cared for. I do not feel nurtured. He never talks during sex or tells me anything – either sexy, humiliating, or otherwise. Except to tell me what he wants me to do. I’m never thanked for my service and rarely if ever told I’m a good girl. I never get a pat or caress on the head or back. I get a peck on the lips when he comes in at night and the only other kissing is during sex.

I have bought and given him books about D/s and Domination. I have directed him to websites I thought might be of interest which might be helpful or interesting. He certainly has time to watch CNN when he comes home. But he tells me he “doesn’t have time” to check out all those websites. I don’t mind being told what to do – being given directions, rules, and guidelines – in fact, I thrive on it. I’ve told him so. Why is it he still keeps asking me where we should go, when we do eat out, every. single. time. ?????

We have a beautiful daughter. We live in a gorgeous house full of amazing artwork and lovely furnishings. I’ve thanked him for all this and told him how blessed I feel and how fortunate I am. But most of the time inside, I am miserable. I don’t think this is how love is supposed to feel.

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4 thoughts on “I’m submissive but not less than him

  1. I don’t think being a full on dom is really something he’s built to do. He enjoys the physical parts during sex but not the mental parts that go on all day. It’s fine if he doesn’t it’s not for everyone, but he shouldn’t act like he can without understanding all it is. If he can’t take the time to read a website or book then how can he be a good dom? It takes time and patience. Another way to look at it, would he put in the time to save his marriage? Maybe he doesn’t realize the risks.

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  2. He just may not be able to be a dom – or frankly, a good husband. Being a Dom is full of sex, but is definitely NOT about sex. Another misconception is the Dom has it easy, just doing what they want. Far from it, they have to devote time and energy into being the right type of Dom for their sub. If they are inflexible, then they are not a good fit and the sub should find a new Dom. In your case, it isn’t that easy since you are married to him. I wish I had suggestions or more encouraging wordsfor you. It just sounds like he just isn’t interested in participating in your fulfillment, whether or not that fulfillment is from being a submitted wife.

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    • I do so hope he is. he is willing to try. I honestly feel if he had a good role model so to speak, it would really help. And he is very interested in my fulfillment. He is just so busy and consumed with the goal of retirement. he has always always put off self-gratification, but is learning the hard way that this may not have been wise. He really wants to try. So I need to try with all my heart too.

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