Reality

I’ve been spending time while Sir is away working doing something I enjoy, catching up reading other people’s blogs and checking websites I used to frequent often and have chosen to bypass nowadays. It occurs to me perhaps I truly am officially “old” now. I suspected as much when I’ve posted on other chat groups I belong to, and I seem to be one of the (if not the) maturest ones writing. So many seem to be caught up in going along with what’s trendy and popular. This often seems to translate to being inconsiderate, impolite, blunt, off-color, unhelpful, rude, sexist, racist, stereotypical, and self-centered. Not how I was raised! And so not the America I was raised in.

Comments are often so rude and hurtful that moderators must step in and either shut down the comments of a post on a website, or remind members of the rules. It often reminds me of my parents at our dinner table saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Where is the motivation and justification for this type of behavior? I wonder, and then I look at the men (mostly) leading this nation. Their actions, behavior and talk leads everyone to think it’s perfectly acceptable because if the man at the highest level is doing it AND getting away with it with no repercussions, it must not only be okay, but perfectly acceptable in today’s society!

My father was a career military man, and though he had many faults, some of which I’ve written about already, he never raised his voice, cursed, or made advances toward other women. I know in his own way, he truly loved my mother as best he could in his damaged way. He was an officer and a gentleman and raised his sons to be gentlemen. He taught them to be respectful of and stand up for women. He detested violence. In many ways I have always felt I am not of this era and it sickens me what’s happening today. The greatest nation which has always represented democracy and freedom is being systematically destroyed by a lying lunatic.

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Changes

The last time Sir was home we finally had The Talk again; the one we’ve had several times over the past few years, discussing our relationship and our D/s. When we embarked on the path of D/s, I was the one who asked him to try to dominate me. I told him I had always thought of myself as a submissive until the time that his work and career sort of drummed it out of me. I told him how losing that feeling and having to make all the hard decisions around the house left me feeling discontented and just, well, not quite myself, for lack of a better word. He listened to everything I said, for this came on the heels of us nearly being divorced and he wanted to do everything he could to keep us together, as did I. He was also intrigued by D/s, as he’d never before really heard of it. I suggested many things he might read and research but his career has always come first and leaves him with time for little else.

He agreed to try D/s and has really gotten into the control/sadism. And he of course loves certain aspects of what he sees as domination. But without doing proper work at becoming a good and real dominant, one can’t really be a dominant. He can call himself whatever he wants, and he will always be head of our household, my husband, my mate, my lover, my partner, but in truth, he is not a good dominant.  He wants me to tell him how to do it, and I can not do that. He wants me to do all the work at making our D/s right, and I can not do that. He constantly points out what a terrible submissive I am.

I have done all I can do at making it work. I told him what D/s is – and what it is NOT. I gave him a list of books to read, websites to check out, places we could possibly go to learn new skills, bought him (us) new toys, told him about various concepts I’d like to use and/or try, told him when I thought things were not working and why…

I don’t see how as a submissive or as a person with a submissive mindset, I can possibly TELL someone how to dominate properly. Either it comes naturally, or they have the desire to learn on their own, is what I believe. So, I told him I’m tired. I don’t want to be a D/s couple anymore. I told him we can still do the fun kinky things we love to do in the bedroom, but I don’t want anything else anymore.

He was really mad. He accused me of purposely trying to confuse him by going back and forth as I choose. He said I still have to do as he says, and the discussion is not over.

 

Progress

Perhaps some of you may recall the troubles with our daughter. She’s long been a procrastinator dating back to middle school, always putting off assignments and being bored by most of her classes. She barely graduated high school even though she’s extremely intelligent and has taken advanced placement classes and was formerly in an elementary and middle school program called the International Baccalaureate Programme. She dropped this in the 10th grade after having gone all the way through up till then. It was a huge disappointment to her dad and me, of course. Children who graduate from such a program with the diploma have many great opportunities a regular high school diploma does not afford. She also started skipping school and not turning in assignments.

In truth, I think she got this gene from my brother, who also was bored in school and couldn’t concentrate. Her dad and I weren’t like that at all. We were all A and B students, excelled academically and knew we would attend university and have a career. She attended a few college classes and said it wasn’t for her. She could not keep even a part-time job. We had to finally employ tough love, telling her she had to choose  something to do – either work or school or she would lose the car we got for her.  She began a cosmetology school in the town we were living in. It was a 9 month course. At first she really seemed to thrive, but as always, the complaints started. She ended up dropping out much to our chagrin. We told her she had to do something else. She ended up deciding cosmetology wasn’t precisely what she desired, she really wanted to do make-up, or esthiology. She (and we) researched and enrolled her in the Aveda program in Dallas.

I’m thrilled to say although she did need extra time to complete the program, she did eventually finish! Yesterday, she took the last of two licensing exams, and she is now a licensed Esthetician! I realize it’s not rocket science. For her though, and for us, this is a giant step to adulthood. I’m very proud of her.