Changes

The last time Sir was home we finally had The Talk again; the one we’ve had several times over the past few years, discussing our relationship and our D/s. When we embarked on the path of D/s, I was the one who asked him to try to dominate me. I told him I had always thought of myself as a submissive until the time that his work and career sort of drummed it out of me. I told him how losing that feeling and having to make all the hard decisions around the house left me feeling discontented and just, well, not quite myself, for lack of a better word. He listened to everything I said, for this came on the heels of us nearly being divorced and he wanted to do everything he could to keep us together, as did I. He was also intrigued by D/s, as he’d never before really heard of it. I suggested many things he might read and research but his career has always come first and leaves him with time for little else.

He agreed to try D/s and has really gotten into the control/sadism. And he of course loves certain aspects of what he sees as domination. But without doing proper work at becoming a good and real dominant, one can’t really be a dominant. He can call himself whatever he wants, and he will always be head of our household, my husband, my mate, my lover, my partner, but in truth, he is not a good dominant.  He wants me to tell him how to do it, and I can not do that. He wants me to do all the work at making our D/s right, and I can not do that. He constantly points out what a terrible submissive I am.

I have done all I can do at making it work. I told him what D/s is – and what it is NOT. I gave him a list of books to read, websites to check out, places we could possibly go to learn new skills, bought him (us) new toys, told him about various concepts I’d like to use and/or try, told him when I thought things were not working and why…

I don’t see how as a submissive or as a person with a submissive mindset, I can possibly TELL someone how to dominate properly. Either it comes naturally, or they have the desire to learn on their own, is what I believe. So, I told him I’m tired. I don’t want to be a D/s couple anymore. I told him we can still do the fun kinky things we love to do in the bedroom, but I don’t want anything else anymore.

He was really mad. He accused me of purposely trying to confuse him by going back and forth as I choose. He said I still have to do as he says, and the discussion is not over.

 

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11 thoughts on “Changes

  1. Does he read your blog? Sounds like a lot more communication is needed. I hope you are able to figure this out together. Dominating someone is difficult—particularly 24/7! Yet giving oneself as a submissive is a huge and wonderful gift that should be treated with respect and honour. I hope you’re able to work this out.

    Liked by 2 people

    • No, he doesn’t nor do I want him to, as there are things I’ve written which would hurt him deeply. Interesting you bring up the old topic about submission as a gift. I’ve written about my viewpoint on this before. I don’t view it that way; never have. I do agree a submissive should be respected and honored for his or her loyalty and commitment and service. However, what we do is not a gift in my humble opinion. I feel I was born submissive just as homosexuals are born that way. So why should the way I behave be seen as a gift to my Dominant any more than their dominance is a gift to me? It’s like saying a wife’s wifeliness is a gift to her husband. No, they have chosen to devote themselves for life to each other, but it’s not a gift to each other which could be taken back or thrown away as gifts can be. Marriages (and D/s relationships, IMHO) have vows and commitments which have an entirely different definition than does a gift. However, to each his (or her) own. I’ve had this discussion over and over with so many folks and nobody can agree. I guess that’s what makes life interesting, eh? Thank you for your concern and comments. I hope we can work out our issues too, but I honestly feel so much better when we aren’t “D/s-ing.”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well his statement sounds pretty dominant.

    I can’t say we have had similar discussions over the years, yet in some ways we have. One thing was revealed to us during a discussion some time ago; what Barney asked of me (and I submitting to) was filling HIS need for dominance. Sadly it barely scratching the surface of my depth of need in submission- therefore I didn’t feel it.

    I felt the back and forth- he would be overtly dominant in one way, then I would feel ‘dropped’ because it would come to an abrupt end for me. He was satisfied and I was ‘just getting started’. He didn’t understand that I was just entering an area when he was ‘leaving’ one, therefore when he asked a simple question- which really just required an opinion of me, I would feel like he was putting ALL the control back in my hands again.

    Truth be told it was all a matter of perspective. We talked and talked, and talked, (and fought) but clearly we weren’t using the right words as neither could remember the main issue, calmly, in the moment. Things are better now but it took a long time- however they aren’t always great, after all one of us ‘grows’ before the other frequently ( usually me). I tend to get overly emotional about things we discussed when it appears he doesn’t remember. He claims he does, but he fails at times to communicate in a way that reaches me. Meh, a work in progress I suppose.

    Anyway, told you all of this because maybe, just maybe some of that is happening at your house too.

    willie

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m so glad you wrote. It’s actually very heartwarming to know others also struggle with this. One of his issues is he always feels I’m way too emotional, crying whenever we fight. I tell him most women DO, yet he doesn’t believe it and/or wants me to suck it up and be stronger. Another problem we’ve dealt with our entire relationship and in counseling is he doesn’t understand the art of conversing (or fighting), meaning he monopolizes our talks. It turns into a monologue with him going on and on and on, and even if I had a point I wanted to make, by the time he stops or pauses, I’ve usually forgotten what I wanted to say. He claims after years of counseling that he’s changed and better but it just is not so. He also thinks D/s is ALL about sex, meaning, him getting more. I don’t care about it, well, I could do without it. I bought him all sorts of implements to use, but he rarely uses them… ah well, I’m giving you TMI. He claims to love the control aspect of D/s, and enjoy humiliating me yet tells me I’m no good at submitting. Maybe because he’s no good at dominating?

      If only there were classes for beginning Dominants! In any case, thanks very much for your thoughts and comments!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Obviously I don’t know you well but I just wanted to give a comment or two, sort of rhetorical questions if you will.

    It was the use of the word ‘proper’, what do you mean by that? What defines ‘proper’ to you? Does that mean you are a ‘proper submissive’?

    And collaredmichael is right. Communication is the key, to all relationships but the hardest. Are you trying to make you both live up to standards that are not realistic or even applicable to you as people, as a couple?

    Perhaps it would be useful to let go of the titles and think you yourself as belonging to him? Try letting go a being or wanting something ‘proper’ and explore what fits you and him. Not what someone else dictates on a website or blog. This is SO personal, perhaps bring it back to it being about that?

    Anyhow, good luck. X

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks very much for your thoughtful and thought-provoking comments. I used the word “proper” thinking “proper” as he sees submission, and proper as I see domination. Of course you are correct that there’s no one size fits all definition, however for a D/s couple the definition should fit the household or couple. The standards we are trying to abide by are those we agreed to when we first trying on this lifestyle for size. Nothing too drastic! Such as for me, I would be respectful, polite, obey him, etc. Maybe the real issue is we did not set out any standards or any definition for him?

      And of course I belong to him. I have belonged to him since the day we married over 23 years ago. That has always been our dynamic. In fact when we had “our talk” before he left last weekend, I reiterated that not much would ever change because we are still two kinky people who love each other and that in fact I will always be his. You’re so right.

      Thanks for following and your thoughts! xx

      Liked by 2 people

  4. D/s is certainly not easy….in either role. It sounds like a lot more talking needs to happen. From what I am seeing here on WordPress, once a couple gets a taste of the D/s dynamic, it is difficult to just stop and let it all go. Hope you two can find a happy medium which satisfies you both.

    Liked by 2 people

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