This is a picture from my best friend’s wedding. She was married for the first time in December; a Christmas wedding. I was one of her bridesmaids (that is her sister shown, I’m standing further to the left.) It was a beautiful ceremony and reception, both held at the church she’s attended all her life and where she met her husband. It happens to be the church where we both also attended Girl Scout meetings for many years, and so even though I’m not Christian, it holds fond memories for me. It was bittersweet in many ways because I only recently moved back “home” after 20 years in another state, my father and her mother have since passed away (our families were very close friends), and the city has changed and modernized, yet is still very much as I remember it. Of course, she and her husband are so much in love that it renders me speechless and teary when I really stop to think about it, because everyone who knows my friend had basically given up hope she would meet the love of her life. It’s so wonderful to see her happier than I imagined she could be, and I wish them a long life of love and happiness. Which brings me, finally, to my point.

I’ve been thinking about my friend and watching her blossom in love the past year or so. As many of you know, I’ve not had the happiest marriage or relationship with my husband. I had doubts until I met him, that I would ever marry or have a child. Even as a young person I liked being alone or with my immediate family, never caring to socialize or date very much. It was always a huge effort to go out with guys and I never cared for parties, the bar or club scene, or meeting new people. I met my husband through a mutual friend and we seemed to hit it off immediately. But even going back to my early teens, I wrote poetry about not thinking I was lovable, or capable of giving love. That I was a prickly person and didn’t care for hugs, kisses etc. To be honest, I never have and still don’t!  I’m still happiest by myself.

Seeing my friend so happy and thinking about her being married now after living alone for most of her life has made me realize that maybe, just maybe, the reason I’m such a terrible submissive, why I can’t relinquish control, is because I basically hate myself and always have! I was born with an eye condition requiring three surgeries to correct; and even afterward, my eyes didn’t appear normal. I developed early and have always had large breasts which I hate. The rest of my body is normal sized, but because I’m so large on top, I always need a bigger size and thus appear heavier than I am. When I was in high school, I contemplated suicide and even cut myself for a period of time. I’ve always been filled with self-doubt and unable to readily, easily make a decision. I thought perhaps D/s would be an answer. That being able to give up my self-control to another (the man I’ve lived with and struggled with for so long) would open our relationship in a new, exciting and wonderful way.

Some of what we tried was new and exciting. I found I did enjoy being controlled sexually and learning new kinky things in the bedroom. I learned that pain is very liberating. However, I just can’t be all he desires of me and maybe I never have been and never will. I know he loves me and I love him. But I found the bonds of control even more confining than loneliness is. I did not feel liberated nor secure in submission. I chafed at everything he demanded or even asked. If anyone has any further insight, I am open to hear it.


11 thoughts on “Self-realization

  1. I have no insight. I’m merely a follower of your blog. Still therapy might help with your self image. And surgery can reduce overly large breasts—make them even perky! lol. Still your post shows a real issue with your self esteem. I hope you learn to love yourself!

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  2. PLEASE seek individual counseling. I can tell you that you MUST love yourself before you can give yourself to anyone else. I know because I was you. The submission gave me a distraction for a moment, then my own self loathing kicked into overdrive. I blamed him for not making me feel good all the time. It’s so much more complicated than I could put into words here, but when I hit my bottom, I began working on ME and now I have a peace and love I thought was only meant for others or movies. The fact that you are asking questions means you are ready to find some answers. Wishing you the very best of luck.

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  3. I am not sure I have any insight but can see parallels and have also been wondering about my need for control. It feels that because I have held control of myself for so long, I need complete control now from him. If there is any wiggle room then I wiggle and my tactics mean that I am hard to manage at times. It leads to guilt as I know that I challenge when I really just want to give in.

    I think that part of it comes from anxiety and certainly the body issues and self esteem part can cause that for me. When we are anxious our default is the fight flight or freeze and for me, it is either to fight it or retreat within so I can’t feel. Neither is desirable or productive but I think that by recognizing it, I can ask for help and try to shift my thinking.

    Not sure if any of that helps but if you want to chat more then feel free 😊

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    • Yes, you’re very wise – the F,F or F! I tend to fight or freeze. He says I am bratty, bitchy and rebellious, but there’s so much more to it than that.

      I know a great deal also has to do with my relationship with my dad. He was abusive to my oldest brother and I witnessed it. He also was extremely unkind to my mother for years, and also a functioning alcoholic. All this made me introverted and led me to build huge walls around myself so I wouldn’t be hurt. I intellectually know all this – and also that Sir loves me with all his heart. But still I can’t release all the feels and just love back! Or give him the control he really craves. I don’t know even with counseling if I could change after so many years of the ingrained emotions.

      I really relate to your blog and appreciate your comments. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think these things take time too. Maybe there are strategies that you can put in place to help you with the small things? And those little things will lead to the trust growing etc. I know that I have issues but as long as I am moving forward that is good to me. I am a work in progress! 😊

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