Ideas and thoughts

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I so enjoy what other bloggers write. They inspire me and often bring to mind half-remembered ideas, memories, and dreams. Someone wrote about a Dominant friend who treats his wife and other submissives in a way which her (the blogger’s) readers find thought provoking. Some readers are disgusted by this man and his actions while others are perhaps intrigued and maybe stimulated?

As for me, I am rarely put off by the actions of others. To each his (or her) own. What everyone does in the privacy of their home is their own business. There is little I find disgusting. In fact… some of you might be disgusted by what I’m about to write.

I’ve often toyed (in my mind) with the idea of Sir having another woman. He honestly is so into sex – so much more than I am, that it would not bother me if he were to find someone nice and clean with whom he could engage in a sexual (only) relationship. As for me, in many aspects, Sir does not provide me with what I myself desire. When I asked him for a D/s relationship, I told him I wanted it based on control, pain, and humiliation. Sir is not into giving pain, at least rarely, and while he does enjoy a sense of control over me, it is solely based on control in a sexual way.

When this blogger writes about the things this man does to the women under his control, it takes my breath away that a dominant actually desires to spend so much time and dedication with and to his submissives. That is what I crave. I know I am lucky and I know Sir loves me as I do Him. He is a wonderful generous man. Why do I want more, then?

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Balls and plugs

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“…take my silver balls from my night table and insert in your pussy and keep there overnight. In the morning you are to go in my box and find the jeweled butt plug and insert it. You will wear both until you pick me up at the airport.”

I can’t keep the pretty shiny heavy silver balls inside me when I am up and about, much as I would like; they simply will not stay up inside me. However upon insertion of my favorite plug, there’s no problem whatsoever. I am busy all day cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, stripping our bed, washing the bedding and towels, emptying the dishwasher; readying our nest for his return. Then I sit down to work on my list of bad habits for Master. As the day wears on I sense a growing neediness down there. My pussy lips are irritated by the tag from the silver balls against my piercing and feel swollen, and my insides are heavy with wanting.

It’s rare for me to feel so wanton and aroused, but it’s been ten days without Master, and I need him. I want his hands on me, his lips and breath at my neck, and his beautiful cock doing what it should. I must come to terms in my head finally that I truly do need this wonderful generous Master who wants and needs me! I love you my dear kind lovely Master xx!

Whose faults

Today Master is coming back from his work shift. He’s been staying in our old (empty) house which has not yet sold. It’s been odd and yes, lonely without his dominating presence here. When he’s here we are so busy still organizing our home and enjoying our new city (and each other, of course.) I still have the same old struggle with submitting. Today before he boarded his plane he told me to write down ten personality flaws or personal faults of mine. Then choose three and write down possible solutions. This was much harder than it sounds.

I am disobedient.

I am sassy/bratty.

I am disrespectful.

I don’t always listen.

I am not submissive in general.

I am not always receptive to sex.

I question his leadership/authority.

I do what I want more than doing what I think he wants.

I am not polite nor loving.

When I see this list I know in my heart these attributes are true, but I’m shocked, mortified, humiliated, and humbled. Am I even submissive at all? I know deep in my soul, from a small child I’ve always felt submissive, but life and my Sir’s career took much of my natural submission away. I feel terrible and so very sad that I’m such a disappointment to my Master, who tells me he loves and adores me.

Now I must work on listening to Sir. Using his honorifics when I speak to him (or text.) Putting Him before me always. Stop questioning and do as He asks. Be kind and loving.

It doesn’t sound hard!

Please Sir,

cherry

Any of you other submissives out there ever have the desire to ask your Sir/Master/Daddy/Owner for something which is totally out of character? For me, I never or rarely ask Sir for anything sexual. It just is not my thing. I’ve never had a need for this. I enjoy sex, true, but I also can go for very long stretches of time without it at all. Perhaps I even might be one of those women for whom a chastity belt – the type which is worn 24/7 and only removed when Sir desires it – you can even attend to toilet and personal hygiene while wearing it – would not be unpleasant as long as the belt fits properly.  Of course, if I need something I do ask Sir. He doesn’t want me to ask when I need routine household items; that would be a bit ridiculous, and after all, my Sir is a very busy man during his work week.

Sir also doesn’t  require (at least yet) that I ask to masturbate or even to have an orgasm. He enjoys my pleasure as much as I do, although recently I did ask if I could come and I think he was secretly very pleased. During the weeks when Sir works (he works every other week) we rarely are intimate – he works very long hours and is too exhausted to do much more than work, eat, shower and sleep, then repeat it until his week off. When he is off, we enjoy each other as much as we are able and have time for.  A few days ago I woke up and Sir began to caress me, fondling my breasts and kissing me. I relaxed and felt myself get wet very quickly.  Often Sir will place a butt plug  – however this time he didn’t. For some reason, I actually wanted it! He squeezed my ass hard and told me to suck his hard cock. He played with my clit for quite awhile… But I could not come!

Was it because I wanted more but was hesitant to ask for it? I have never been good at telling Sir what I really want. That’s why he is stressing I need to communicate better for our D/s to succeed. For example (and this is pretty silly) Sir loves to watch CNN all the time (I mean really all the time) and even tends to leave it on while we are intimate. I don’t like that. I told him once recently that it bothered me, and he turned it off. No big deal! The next issue will involve our three dogs. We have two Chihuahuas and a Boxer. They’re generally wherever we are in the house, and our two littles are usually on the bed when we are, even during sex, except when we go to sleep they go to the laundry room. Our big boy sleeps by our bed, on his bed.

The issue is if/when Sir spanks me. They don’t like it. At all! And so that upsets me too. I don’t think they should be with us at all at that time because it’s traumatic.  Also, the other day when I wanted more, I also REALLY wanted Sir to spank me. So, these are my thoughts, which I believe I will be sharing with Sir. SOON.

Trying

DEDICATION
ded·i·ca·tion
ˌdedəˈkāSH(ə)n/
noun
 1. the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose.
  1. “her dedication to her duties”
    synonyms: commitment, application, diligence, industry, resolve, enthusiasm, zeal, conscientiousness, perseverance, persistence, tenacity, drive, staying power;

     

    I’m going to dedicate myself to being a better wife and submissive. As long as Sir is willing to try to be my Dominant, since I’m the one who asked for this relationship, it is wrong on every level to not only go along with Sir for the ride, but to be as good as I can be. It doesn’t matter whether we are older than most BDSM couples or that we “almost” divorced several years ago because of infidelity and being at cross-currents with one another.

    No, nothing matters except our love and dedication to one another. And we definitely have that! Even if Sir might not live up to some of my expectations and I know I certainly don’t live up to his. I not only suspect – I know I am not a good submissive. I am sassy and bratty, and most often would rather just do things my way. This is years of learned behavior. However, I want to try and I want to be good. I want to obey. I want to do as he asks and more. I want to have a pleasing tone of voice. (How, please?) I want to love and be loved, communicate and serve with joy and love.

    I pray with all my heart this will be our future as long as we both shall live!

Working

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The picture is of my best friend and me, a million years ago when we were teenagers. At that time you could have an “old-fashioned” sepia-tone photo taken at a kiosk in some of the shopping malls, and this gentleman did a wonderful job, even duplicating the decorative cardboard holder for the photo. He supplied costumes you could choose to make the picture appear authentic. I posted it today because it makes me happy whenever I look at it.

Sir is trying very hard in His Dominant role. He spent much of last week reading about Dominance and submission. We spoke at length about my feeling dissatisfied with lack of direction.  I can’t even express what it means for Him to truly take my words to heart and for Him to use His precious time to work on us and our relationship!

And this comes also during the time we are preparing for our move “home” in a few weeks to California. My mind is  distracted with shopping for new carpet for the house (which has the original, having been through a multitude of tenants and launderings.) As well as getting price estimates for the move itself; going through closets of stuff to see what can be donated or discarded; taking photos of all our artwork for insurance purposes; etc etc etc.

During all this, my thoughts drift to my friend, who up until two years ago was single all her life. She is a warm, funny, sweet and kind person, who just never found a partner. Like me, she is in her late fifties.  One day someone in her church saw her singing in the choir and knew he had to meet her. He had lost his wife to breast cancer, and was tired of being alone.  They met, dated, and ended up falling in love. They will be married in December!

I’m submissive but not less than him

It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything of substance about how Sir and I were doing. If you follow me you know ours has been a rocky relationship, marriage, and 24/7 D/s. It should have been a clue to me that things would be this way since it took Sir 4 years to propose marriage to me. I was about to break up with him, to be honest. He has always put his desires, his work, etc before what I wanted in our relationship. When I think about it, this is not how it should be. It should be both people having a say, even if one is submissive to the other.

If you follow my blog and have read prior posts, then you already know out of extreme frustration and boredom… I cheated in my marriage. Not once, as Sir knows about, but many times. He was always working incredibly long hours (every day 12-14 hrs plus every other night and every other weekend on call) and moved us away from all our family and friends. (I had begged him not to do this even before we married) and completely neglected me and our daughter. Not only that, he questioned my judgment in spending money (as he saw it) recklessly. As in buying our daughter a high school yearbook. So, I blew up and left him for awhile. I moved in with my mother and we shared custody of our daughter who was in high school. He found out about one instance of my cheating, which he blamed himself for. It wasn’t long – maybe 6-7 months, and we finally went to couples counseling together, I moved back home and we avoided a divorce. I told him I wanted him to be my Dominant (he was thrilled) and be more present in my (our) lives. Things improved for awhile.

But he is not a good dominant. He just… is not. He and I have been happy with the increased frequency of sex, and all the toys we’ve bought and been using. But to him, D/s is really all about sex. And that just is not true. To him, being D/s, means even more than before, everything revolves around him and his needs, wants and desires. I do not feel cared for. I do not feel nurtured. He never talks during sex or tells me anything – either sexy, humiliating, or otherwise. Except to tell me what he wants me to do. I’m never thanked for my service and rarely if ever told I’m a good girl. I never get a pat or caress on the head or back. I get a peck on the lips when he comes in at night and the only other kissing is during sex.

I have bought and given him books about D/s and Domination. I have directed him to websites I thought might be of interest which might be helpful or interesting. He certainly has time to watch CNN when he comes home. But he tells me he “doesn’t have time” to check out all those websites. I don’t mind being told what to do – being given directions, rules, and guidelines – in fact, I thrive on it. I’ve told him so. Why is it he still keeps asking me where we should go, when we do eat out, every. single. time. ?????

We have a beautiful daughter. We live in a gorgeous house full of amazing artwork and lovely furnishings. I’ve thanked him for all this and told him how blessed I feel and how fortunate I am. But most of the time inside, I am miserable. I don’t think this is how love is supposed to feel.