The last time Sir was home we finally had The Talk again; the one we’ve had several times over the past few years, discussing our relationship and our D/s. When we embarked on the path of D/s, I was the one who asked him to try to dominate me. I told him I had always thought of myself as a submissive until the time that his work and career sort of drummed it out of me. I told him how losing that feeling and having to make all the hard decisions around the house left me feeling discontented and just, well, not quite myself, for lack of a better word. He listened to everything I said, for this came on the heels of us nearly being divorced and he wanted to do everything he could to keep us together, as did I. He was also intrigued by D/s, as he’d never before really heard of it. I suggested many things he might read and research but his career has always come first and leaves him with time for little else.

He agreed to try D/s and has really gotten into the control/sadism. And he of course loves certain aspects of what he sees as domination. But without doing proper work at becoming a good and real dominant, one can’t really be a dominant. He can call himself whatever he wants, and he will always be head of our household, my husband, my mate, my lover, my partner, but in truth, he is not a good dominant.  He wants me to tell him how to do it, and I can not do that. He wants me to do all the work at making our D/s right, and I can not do that. He constantly points out what a terrible submissive I am.

I have done all I can do at making it work. I told him what D/s is – and what it is NOT. I gave him a list of books to read, websites to check out, places we could possibly go to learn new skills, bought him (us) new toys, told him about various concepts I’d like to use and/or try, told him when I thought things were not working and why…

I don’t see how as a submissive or as a person with a submissive mindset, I can possibly TELL someone how to dominate properly. Either it comes naturally, or they have the desire to learn on their own, is what I believe. So, I told him I’m tired. I don’t want to be a D/s couple anymore. I told him we can still do the fun kinky things we love to do in the bedroom, but I don’t want anything else anymore.

He was really mad. He accused me of purposely trying to confuse him by going back and forth as I choose. He said I still have to do as he says, and the discussion is not over.


The Master Speaks

He’s annoyed with me and my lack of submission. What else is new under the sun? I’m annoyed with his lack of Dominance. He tortured me the other day and it wasn’t pleasant; probably not even for him. Then he spoke at length about the ten ways in which I misbehave which he had asked me to write down a few weeks ago. He noted while I sometimes do obey and am mindful of my submissive behavior better since that little exercise, nothing’s really changed. He wants me to call him Sir or Master and I don’t I guess, because my heart is just not in it…

I wonder why? His dominant actions have not changed either. He went on to say he doesn’t know where to begin with me. He says I’ve told him to give me tasks and that I like pain and humiliation, but he doesn’t know what to do with this information.


I’ve purchased many many books for him/us to read about this lifestyle. I have read them. I’ve delved into the subject online and met many wonderful generous folk who have offered to chat with him and give words of encouragement. I/we have bought toys of all sorts and enjoy using them. The sex itself is no issue. When I told him I wanted this type of lifestyle several years ago (that I had in fact craved this most of my life) he was all for it. He gets very excited when we read tales of other real couples’ journeys. He wonders why I am unable to be more submissive. We’ve done couples’ counseling for several years.

I told him I did not want a Master/slave relationship, and in retrospect, perhaps we moved too quickly in our fervor and excitement. He bought me two different collars, one of which I wore 24/7 for a few years. But it felt wrong to me, because in fact I was not “really” his submissive any more than he is my dominant. I asked him to remove it, and he did. He has never been what one might consider a romantic nor creative man, and it could be said that those traits are key to being a decent dominant. After all, a good dominant must craft a scene and provide loving after-care. He has never done so. His “scenes” if you choose to call them that, are ALWAYS centered around sex, and the after care is limited to a quick wipe-off with a towel.

(His latest craze, which he’s been hung up on for a couple of years, is searching for a suitable cage to lock me in. The idea of this really does not bother me aside from the fact neither of us are youngsters anymore, and what if something should befall him while I’m locked in it? How would I then get out?)

Now he wants me to write again about precisely what I want in this D/s relationship. Do I want to be humiliated and if so, how?  Do I want him to spank me, and if so, with what and when?

{Big sigh again…} Am I protesting too much to say, “enough?” Why am I the one doing all the work to make this work? Am I in fact the one doing all the work, or does it just seem so? Is he just really not capable of being dominant?

How do you know when it’s time to say, maybe we should stop trying so hard and go back to just being “us” but with a slightly kinky side?

Ideas and thoughts


I so enjoy what other bloggers write. They inspire me and often bring to mind half-remembered ideas, memories, and dreams. Someone wrote about a Dominant friend who treats his wife and other submissives in a way which her (the blogger’s) readers find thought provoking. Some readers are disgusted by this man and his actions while others are perhaps intrigued and maybe stimulated?

As for me, I am rarely put off by the actions of others. To each his (or her) own. What everyone does in the privacy of their home is their own business. There is little I find disgusting. In fact… some of you might be disgusted by what I’m about to write.

I’ve often toyed (in my mind) with the idea of Sir having another woman. He honestly is so into sex – so much more than I am, that it would not bother me if he were to find someone nice and clean with whom he could engage in a sexual (only) relationship. As for me, in many aspects, Sir does not provide me with what I myself desire. When I asked him for a D/s relationship, I told him I wanted it based on control, pain, and humiliation. Sir is not into giving pain, at least rarely, and while he does enjoy a sense of control over me, it is solely based on control in a sexual way.

When this blogger writes about the things this man does to the women under his control, it takes my breath away that a dominant actually desires to spend so much time and dedication with and to his submissives. That is what I crave. I know I am lucky and I know Sir loves me as I do Him. He is a wonderful generous man. Why do I want more, then?

Balls and plugs


“…take my silver balls from my night table and insert in your pussy and keep there overnight. In the morning you are to go in my box and find the jeweled butt plug and insert it. You will wear both until you pick me up at the airport.”

I can’t keep the pretty shiny heavy silver balls inside me when I am up and about, much as I would like; they simply will not stay up inside me. However upon insertion of my favorite plug, there’s no problem whatsoever. I am busy all day cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, stripping our bed, washing the bedding and towels, emptying the dishwasher; readying our nest for his return. Then I sit down to work on my list of bad habits for Master. As the day wears on I sense a growing neediness down there. My pussy lips are irritated by the tag from the silver balls against my piercing and feel swollen, and my insides are heavy with wanting.

It’s rare for me to feel so wanton and aroused, but it’s been ten days without Master, and I need him. I want his hands on me, his lips and breath at my neck, and his beautiful cock doing what it should. I must come to terms in my head finally that I truly do need this wonderful generous Master who wants and needs me! I love you my dear kind lovely Master xx!

Whose faults

Today Master is coming back from his work shift. He’s been staying in our old (empty) house which has not yet sold. It’s been odd and yes, lonely without his dominating presence here. When he’s here we are so busy still organizing our home and enjoying our new city (and each other, of course.) I still have the same old struggle with submitting. Today before he boarded his plane he told me to write down ten personality flaws or personal faults of mine. Then choose three and write down possible solutions. This was much harder than it sounds.

I am disobedient.

I am sassy/bratty.

I am disrespectful.

I don’t always listen.

I am not submissive in general.

I am not always receptive to sex.

I question his leadership/authority.

I do what I want more than doing what I think he wants.

I am not polite nor loving.

When I see this list I know in my heart these attributes are true, but I’m shocked, mortified, humiliated, and humbled. Am I even submissive at all? I know deep in my soul, from a small child I’ve always felt submissive, but life and my Sir’s career took much of my natural submission away. I feel terrible and so very sad that I’m such a disappointment to my Master, who tells me he loves and adores me.

Now I must work on listening to Sir. Using his honorifics when I speak to him (or text.) Putting Him before me always. Stop questioning and do as He asks. Be kind and loving.

It doesn’t sound hard!

Please Sir,


Any of you other submissives out there ever have the desire to ask your Sir/Master/Daddy/Owner for something which is totally out of character? For me, I never or rarely ask Sir for anything sexual. It just is not my thing. I’ve never had a need for this. I enjoy sex, true, but I also can go for very long stretches of time without it at all. Perhaps I even might be one of those women for whom a chastity belt – the type which is worn 24/7 and only removed when Sir desires it – you can even attend to toilet and personal hygiene while wearing it – would not be unpleasant as long as the belt fits properly.  Of course, if I need something I do ask Sir. He doesn’t want me to ask when I need routine household items; that would be a bit ridiculous, and after all, my Sir is a very busy man during his work week.

Sir also doesn’t  require (at least yet) that I ask to masturbate or even to have an orgasm. He enjoys my pleasure as much as I do, although recently I did ask if I could come and I think he was secretly very pleased. During the weeks when Sir works (he works every other week) we rarely are intimate – he works very long hours and is too exhausted to do much more than work, eat, shower and sleep, then repeat it until his week off. When he is off, we enjoy each other as much as we are able and have time for.  A few days ago I woke up and Sir began to caress me, fondling my breasts and kissing me. I relaxed and felt myself get wet very quickly.  Often Sir will place a butt plug  – however this time he didn’t. For some reason, I actually wanted it! He squeezed my ass hard and told me to suck his hard cock. He played with my clit for quite awhile… But I could not come!

Was it because I wanted more but was hesitant to ask for it? I have never been good at telling Sir what I really want. That’s why he is stressing I need to communicate better for our D/s to succeed. For example (and this is pretty silly) Sir loves to watch CNN all the time (I mean really all the time) and even tends to leave it on while we are intimate. I don’t like that. I told him once recently that it bothered me, and he turned it off. No big deal! The next issue will involve our three dogs. We have two Chihuahuas and a Boxer. They’re generally wherever we are in the house, and our two littles are usually on the bed when we are, even during sex, except when we go to sleep they go to the laundry room. Our big boy sleeps by our bed, on his bed.

The issue is if/when Sir spanks me. They don’t like it. At all! And so that upsets me too. I don’t think they should be with us at all at that time because it’s traumatic.  Also, the other day when I wanted more, I also REALLY wanted Sir to spank me. So, these are my thoughts, which I believe I will be sharing with Sir. SOON.


 1. the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose.
  1. “her dedication to her duties”
    synonyms: commitment, application, diligence, industry, resolve, enthusiasm, zeal, conscientiousness, perseverance, persistence, tenacity, drive, staying power;


    I’m going to dedicate myself to being a better wife and submissive. As long as Sir is willing to try to be my Dominant, since I’m the one who asked for this relationship, it is wrong on every level to not only go along with Sir for the ride, but to be as good as I can be. It doesn’t matter whether we are older than most BDSM couples or that we “almost” divorced several years ago because of infidelity and being at cross-currents with one another.

    No, nothing matters except our love and dedication to one another. And we definitely have that! Even if Sir might not live up to some of my expectations and I know I certainly don’t live up to his. I not only suspect – I know I am not a good submissive. I am sassy and bratty, and most often would rather just do things my way. This is years of learned behavior. However, I want to try and I want to be good. I want to obey. I want to do as he asks and more. I want to have a pleasing tone of voice. (How, please?) I want to love and be loved, communicate and serve with joy and love.

    I pray with all my heart this will be our future as long as we both shall live!



The picture is of my best friend and me, a million years ago when we were teenagers. At that time you could have an “old-fashioned” sepia-tone photo taken at a kiosk in some of the shopping malls, and this gentleman did a wonderful job, even duplicating the decorative cardboard holder for the photo. He supplied costumes you could choose to make the picture appear authentic. I posted it today because it makes me happy whenever I look at it.

Sir is trying very hard in His Dominant role. He spent much of last week reading about Dominance and submission. We spoke at length about my feeling dissatisfied with lack of direction.  I can’t even express what it means for Him to truly take my words to heart and for Him to use His precious time to work on us and our relationship!

And this comes also during the time we are preparing for our move “home” in a few weeks to California. My mind is  distracted with shopping for new carpet for the house (which has the original, having been through a multitude of tenants and launderings.) As well as getting price estimates for the move itself; going through closets of stuff to see what can be donated or discarded; taking photos of all our artwork for insurance purposes; etc etc etc.

During all this, my thoughts drift to my friend, who up until two years ago was single all her life. She is a warm, funny, sweet and kind person, who just never found a partner. Like me, she is in her late fifties.  One day someone in her church saw her singing in the choir and knew he had to meet her. He had lost his wife to breast cancer, and was tired of being alone.  They met, dated, and ended up falling in love. They will be married in December!

How do you serve?


A blogging friend wrote today about the roles in her household, and the ways in which she serves her Sir. She is very much dominant in the outside world, and submissive at home.  I can relate to many aspects of her life, as I once worked outside the home and had a demanding job which I enjoyed. Often the job required me to put in many hours of overtime to insure the work was done on time, and many times I was only comfortable doing the work myself because I knew (or felt) that I did it better than my coworkers. I always enjoyed working by myself rather than with others, and worked faster and better alone. One of my former supervisors once approached me and complimented me on my work, noting that she thought I was very much like her in that I worked well and better by myself. She had been observing me to do my evaluation. I never forgot what she said because it rang so true.

My friend wrote because of her health issues her Sir takes care of many household chores and duties. She noted what a lovely dominant act this was, and I agree. I can’t help but think how this would never happen in my own home. Not that I am wanting it to! I happen to thrive on acts of service, and I am a homebody. My Master has always been a very hard worker outside the home and when He walks through the door, I would not want Him to have to think of anything except that His home is a refuge for Him from the stresses of the outside workaday world . I want to have a clean organized home waiting for Him as long as I am able – with dinner (usually) waiting and the bed made and things neatened up. I like doing His laundry, ironing His shirts, even taking out our trash and doing all the little things to keep our little nest clean and running smoothly.

That’s not to say Sir does not pitch in. He offers to do the trash and recycling and loves walking the dogs with me and any gardening chores. He’s very much a nature boy. But way back in the early months of our marriage, before D/s was even a twinkle in my eyes, we discussed who was to be responsible for what. I agreed that the house was my responsibility. You see, even way back then, over 20 years ago, I knew, craved, and wanted to be submissive to my husband. I need these simple tasks – and others as well –  to keep me on track.

Memories of my Father


For many years I have resisted writing about this. In case you don’t know what this photo is of, it’s an antique barber strop. A strop was, or is used to sharpen a straight razor used to shave men’s beards. It used to be made of leather, with a canvas or thick leather cover or side used to polish, wipe,  or buff the razor after sharpening.

My grandfather was a barber. He came to America from Russia and opened a barber shop in downtown Los Angeles in the 1920’s. His two sons, my father and my uncle followed in his footsteps, both going to cosmetology school. My uncle owned a women’s hair salon in Santa Monica for over 40 years. My dad had a bad back, and although he enjoyed it, chose the military instead as his career.

My father came from a broken home. This was back in the day (the 1920’s) when divorce was truly unheard of and considered a scandal. My grandfather was a womanizer, a gambler, and liked to drink. My grandmother left him, taking my uncle with her. That meant that my dad, who was a little boy, stayed with my grandfather and slept on a cot in the back of the barber shop. I don’t know what he ate or who cooked. When my grandfather brought his women in, what happened to my dad? He had a scar on his arm and one on his face which happened when he was a boy and I believe his father was responsible for them. My grandmother wasn’t a good mother – she shouldn’t have split up her sons like that. It permanently damaged my father.

He kept a razor strop like the one in the photo – it may even have been his father’s – always hanging on a hook on the back of his bathroom door for as long as I knew him. He didn’t use it for razors. When my oldest brother was born, the doctors knew he wasn’t normal. They told my parents to put him in an institution. (This was 1948.) My mother refused. She took him home and showered him with love and attention, and my brother always went to regular school, struggling along with her help. He eventually graduated and learned to drive, attended junior college, has held many jobs, knows how to use computers, has his own condo, loves to read, and is very intelligent, more than many people I know. But my father being a military man could never accept that his son wasn’t perfect. He resented the attention my mother gave to him. I remember the horrible names my dad called my brother; the fights; when my father would drink it got very bad. I was so little but I remember my father chasing my brother around our house with the razor strop and beating him. I recall him screaming at him to get out of the house. I could not have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

There is so much more to say about this. Perhaps (I have often felt) some of this explains my desire for submission. Many times, my mother tells me, she thought about leaving, but times were so different then. As my father aged, he mellowed somewhat. And of course eventually my brother was able to move out on his own, which helped matters. I will never forget the day when my father called my brother and me into the living room where he was watching TV by himself and said, with tears in his eyes, “I want you to know that I always loved you.”

My brother still can’t forgive him. It was too little, too late. I understand. I do forgive my dad, though. I understand him. He was damaged. He actually was a very emotionally weak man. Still, I love him and miss him. But there are things I am, and always will be haunted by. You can’t change your past, but you can try to understand it and become a better person by not repeating the same mistakes your parents made.