Home at last

bunny

It’s not quite a month since Sir and our three dogs and I drove 1500 miles from east Texas to our house in San Clemente, California. We’ve owned this house for over 6 years and been leasing it out. That is a tale for another day. Our Texas home is for sale. It was a rather excruciating two day trip in terrible heat (the southwest was in the grip of a bad heat wave.) My car had an issue in that the passenger side mirror whistled/squealed at high speeds (reported to dealer the day we bought the car and repaired twice already.) All in all, we were so glad to reach our destination! I’ve been exhaustively unpacking, cleaning and organizing the house. Sir is continuing to do a ten day work shift back in Texas every month and he is there now, returning Tuesday. Last Thursday the TV, phone and internet were finally hooked up.  Most of the boxes are unpacked or have been relegated to the garages. I mopped my floors twice and cleaned all the bathrooms. Today I can stop and take a bit of a break.

We live way up in the foothills near the US Marine Base Camp Pendleton. When I was a little girl there was nothing here. I mean NOTHING. I feel bad man has come in and built so far up in the hills destroying the natural habitat… and look at me. Here I am living right here smack up against the hillside. When I walk my dogs we see lizards and the cutest cottontail bunnies like the one shown. My big boy Boxer wants to give chase, but I will Not Allow It.

I am loving the cooler SoCal weather. Was it a 19 year bad dream, living in east Texas? Yesterday I drove an hour and a half to Santa Monica, near where I grew up, to visit my best friend since third grade. She is getting married (for the first time) at our ripe old age and wanted me to be there while she tried on wedding gowns. As I stood at the door of her place it was as if I had never moved away. I marveled that I was, after 19 years, back home breathing the ocean air and chatting with my dear dear friend. I felt years of stress fade away and I could feel life and happiness fill my soul again.

Thomas Wolfe was so wrong. You can go home again.

Sickness

headline

I read this today, on Mother’s Day weekend. It made me cry and filled me with rage and made my skin crawl. Can anyone please tell me what we kind of society we are becoming, if we as people really think that lying and covering up what happened to that baby is acceptable? THAT SCHOOL PERSONNEL CAN HIDE SUCH A THING FROM PARENTS??????

Moreover, that this little boy’s schoolmates stood by and did nothing, and/or told nobody what they witnessed – AND THEN POKED HIM WITH THEIR FEET  but did not run for help…

Well, I’m speechless. How do you think HE felt… completely adrift in such a cold, mean, cruel world where nobody cares about him….? Okay… here come the tears again.

Some days this world is just too much for me.

Please Sir,

cherry

Any of you other submissives out there ever have the desire to ask your Sir/Master/Daddy/Owner for something which is totally out of character? For me, I never or rarely ask Sir for anything sexual. It just is not my thing. I’ve never had a need for this. I enjoy sex, true, but I also can go for very long stretches of time without it at all. Perhaps I even might be one of those women for whom a chastity belt – the type which is worn 24/7 and only removed when Sir desires it – you can even attend to toilet and personal hygiene while wearing it – would not be unpleasant as long as the belt fits properly.  Of course, if I need something I do ask Sir. He doesn’t want me to ask when I need routine household items; that would be a bit ridiculous, and after all, my Sir is a very busy man during his work week.

Sir also doesn’t  require (at least yet) that I ask to masturbate or even to have an orgasm. He enjoys my pleasure as much as I do, although recently I did ask if I could come and I think he was secretly very pleased. During the weeks when Sir works (he works every other week) we rarely are intimate – he works very long hours and is too exhausted to do much more than work, eat, shower and sleep, then repeat it until his week off. When he is off, we enjoy each other as much as we are able and have time for.  A few days ago I woke up and Sir began to caress me, fondling my breasts and kissing me. I relaxed and felt myself get wet very quickly.  Often Sir will place a butt plug  – however this time he didn’t. For some reason, I actually wanted it! He squeezed my ass hard and told me to suck his hard cock. He played with my clit for quite awhile… But I could not come!

Was it because I wanted more but was hesitant to ask for it? I have never been good at telling Sir what I really want. That’s why he is stressing I need to communicate better for our D/s to succeed. For example (and this is pretty silly) Sir loves to watch CNN all the time (I mean really all the time) and even tends to leave it on while we are intimate. I don’t like that. I told him once recently that it bothered me, and he turned it off. No big deal! The next issue will involve our three dogs. We have two Chihuahuas and a Boxer. They’re generally wherever we are in the house, and our two littles are usually on the bed when we are, even during sex, except when we go to sleep they go to the laundry room. Our big boy sleeps by our bed, on his bed.

The issue is if/when Sir spanks me. They don’t like it. At all! And so that upsets me too. I don’t think they should be with us at all at that time because it’s traumatic.  Also, the other day when I wanted more, I also REALLY wanted Sir to spank me. So, these are my thoughts, which I believe I will be sharing with Sir. SOON.

Trying

DEDICATION
ded·i·ca·tion
ˌdedəˈkāSH(ə)n/
noun
 1. the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose.
  1. “her dedication to her duties”
    synonyms: commitment, application, diligence, industry, resolve, enthusiasm, zeal, conscientiousness, perseverance, persistence, tenacity, drive, staying power;

     

    I’m going to dedicate myself to being a better wife and submissive. As long as Sir is willing to try to be my Dominant, since I’m the one who asked for this relationship, it is wrong on every level to not only go along with Sir for the ride, but to be as good as I can be. It doesn’t matter whether we are older than most BDSM couples or that we “almost” divorced several years ago because of infidelity and being at cross-currents with one another.

    No, nothing matters except our love and dedication to one another. And we definitely have that! Even if Sir might not live up to some of my expectations and I know I certainly don’t live up to his. I not only suspect – I know I am not a good submissive. I am sassy and bratty, and most often would rather just do things my way. This is years of learned behavior. However, I want to try and I want to be good. I want to obey. I want to do as he asks and more. I want to have a pleasing tone of voice. (How, please?) I want to love and be loved, communicate and serve with joy and love.

    I pray with all my heart this will be our future as long as we both shall live!

Working

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The picture is of my best friend and me, a million years ago when we were teenagers. At that time you could have an “old-fashioned” sepia-tone photo taken at a kiosk in some of the shopping malls, and this gentleman did a wonderful job, even duplicating the decorative cardboard holder for the photo. He supplied costumes you could choose to make the picture appear authentic. I posted it today because it makes me happy whenever I look at it.

Sir is trying very hard in His Dominant role. He spent much of last week reading about Dominance and submission. We spoke at length about my feeling dissatisfied with lack of direction.  I can’t even express what it means for Him to truly take my words to heart and for Him to use His precious time to work on us and our relationship!

And this comes also during the time we are preparing for our move “home” in a few weeks to California. My mind is  distracted with shopping for new carpet for the house (which has the original, having been through a multitude of tenants and launderings.) As well as getting price estimates for the move itself; going through closets of stuff to see what can be donated or discarded; taking photos of all our artwork for insurance purposes; etc etc etc.

During all this, my thoughts drift to my friend, who up until two years ago was single all her life. She is a warm, funny, sweet and kind person, who just never found a partner. Like me, she is in her late fifties.  One day someone in her church saw her singing in the choir and knew he had to meet her. He had lost his wife to breast cancer, and was tired of being alone.  They met, dated, and ended up falling in love. They will be married in December!

I’m submissive but not less than him

It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything of substance about how Sir and I were doing. If you follow me you know ours has been a rocky relationship, marriage, and 24/7 D/s. It should have been a clue to me that things would be this way since it took Sir 4 years to propose marriage to me. I was about to break up with him, to be honest. He has always put his desires, his work, etc before what I wanted in our relationship. When I think about it, this is not how it should be. It should be both people having a say, even if one is submissive to the other.

If you follow my blog and have read prior posts, then you already know out of extreme frustration and boredom… I cheated in my marriage. Not once, as Sir knows about, but many times. He was always working incredibly long hours (every day 12-14 hrs plus every other night and every other weekend on call) and moved us away from all our family and friends. (I had begged him not to do this even before we married) and completely neglected me and our daughter. Not only that, he questioned my judgment in spending money (as he saw it) recklessly. As in buying our daughter a high school yearbook. So, I blew up and left him for awhile. I moved in with my mother and we shared custody of our daughter who was in high school. He found out about one instance of my cheating, which he blamed himself for. It wasn’t long – maybe 6-7 months, and we finally went to couples counseling together, I moved back home and we avoided a divorce. I told him I wanted him to be my Dominant (he was thrilled) and be more present in my (our) lives. Things improved for awhile.

But he is not a good dominant. He just… is not. He and I have been happy with the increased frequency of sex, and all the toys we’ve bought and been using. But to him, D/s is really all about sex. And that just is not true. To him, being D/s, means even more than before, everything revolves around him and his needs, wants and desires. I do not feel cared for. I do not feel nurtured. He never talks during sex or tells me anything – either sexy, humiliating, or otherwise. Except to tell me what he wants me to do. I’m never thanked for my service and rarely if ever told I’m a good girl. I never get a pat or caress on the head or back. I get a peck on the lips when he comes in at night and the only other kissing is during sex.

I have bought and given him books about D/s and Domination. I have directed him to websites I thought might be of interest which might be helpful or interesting. He certainly has time to watch CNN when he comes home. But he tells me he “doesn’t have time” to check out all those websites. I don’t mind being told what to do – being given directions, rules, and guidelines – in fact, I thrive on it. I’ve told him so. Why is it he still keeps asking me where we should go, when we do eat out, every. single. time. ?????

We have a beautiful daughter. We live in a gorgeous house full of amazing artwork and lovely furnishings. I’ve thanked him for all this and told him how blessed I feel and how fortunate I am. But most of the time inside, I am miserable. I don’t think this is how love is supposed to feel.

Happy -sad Birthday

move

Today is my birthday. It’s also the day before my 91 year old mother moves “home” to California, to a senior independent living center. She’ll have a small two bedroom, two bath apartment-style unit in a very nice place where she will have meal service and anything else she could possibly need or want. My two older brothers live in the same city, less than fifteen minutes away. Her belongings are on that “pod” you see in my photo. It will arrive on April 1st and then the unpacking will begin.

I’m happy because in June, my husband and I will also be returning “home” after 19 1/2 years here. Our daughter will hopefully join us in the fall too. I’m more than a bit sad because not only have we been going through a lifetime of accumulated things, deciding what to keep, part with, donate, trash, etc., but for the first time, I will no longer actually have a home to go to where one or both of my parents live. I realize that this place has been her last real home. The place she is going to, while it will be many important things, will not be a home for any of her children or grandchildren. It’s true I have a home with my husband (and hope I always will) but there’s no substitute for the comforting feeling of knowing you can always go home when times are tough. I’m a grown woman and have been for many years, but whenever I drove or walked up to my parents’ ( or later my mother’s) house it was with the nearly indescribable emotionally secure knowledge that here I was safe and secure and all was well.

I don’t have that any longer.