I haven’t posted in a very long time. Life had been rather uneventful, meaning nothing momentous to write about, until July. You might recall it was a year ago June we moved “home” to California after almost 20 years in Texas. It takes many months to really settle, finding all the best shopping, veterinarians, dentists, restaurants, etc. I’ve never been good at taking care of myself, so finding doctors was way on the back burner until I had a minor issue and was forced into locating a primary care physician. The issue required a referral to a specialist and some testing which was all normal. My new doctor also wanted me to have other routine tests which sadly had not been done in several (actually many) years. Mind you, my career when I worked was in an allied medical field and my husband is a physician too. I should know better.
Suffice it to say, I found out in August that I have breast cancer… for the second time. I had it 14 years ago and was considered “cured.” It was early stage back then and I had a lumpectomy plus chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Our daughter was very young then and we were living far from family – it was a rough time in my life.
Now I have two new tumors completely unrelated to my previous cancer, in my other breast. I also have three lymph nodes positive for cancer. Interestingly, the two tumors in my breast are different from one another. So this is not a recurrence but two new cancers. Life has gone from uneventful to crazy, stressful, and filled with testing and treatments and medical appointments. All of which I detest. It makes me feel weak and out of control. The doctors (both women) feel confident I can be cured so that is what I am thinking about and hoping for. There appears to be no spread elsewhere in my body, which is excellent news.
I already had two out of six hardcore chemo treatments. After those, I will have a double mastectomy, which I am actually looking forward to! I’ve always had big saggy heavy breasts and I should have had it done the first time I was diagnosed. For the first time I will be able to wear anything I want without looking big on top. I can go without a bra! So this will be something to look forward to. After I heal, I will probably have radiation on the affected side, followed by some of the chemo for up to a year.
I mentioned karma in the title to my post. That has to do with some bad decisions I made in the past – things which hurt my family very much and almost destroyed my marriage. I’ve prayed long and hard about the things I did and asked God and my loved ones for forgiveness. Yet, I’ve always struggled with the concept of karma. I’ve always thought that deep inside, I’m not a good person and someday I would be punished. Do you believe in karma?